Sunday, May 2, 2010

Day 9: Luke 20:40

The latest, but probably the most continuous battle I face and will face in this weight loss journey is temptation. The verse is Jesus saying, "Pray that you will not be overcome by temptation." That my friends, has been my prayer. I am currently down 8 pounds since I started the 500 calorie phase (hand clap to myself), but I know that achievement could float away as easily as a balloon in a child's hand, something that could be gone in an instant and almost impossible to see again. I am a huge fan of the reality show, The Biggest Loser. I've watched almost every season because I love the motivational and inspirational message that it gives. The one-time heavily obese contestants have every reason to be proud of themselves for being able to showcase in front of America their newly transformed bodies it healthy because of weeks of hard work and dedication, but I think I'm even prouder of myself for NOT having what the Biggest Loser offers. They are in a controlled environment where their food, exercise and behavior is controlled. I, however, am not. Every day, I face the temptations of fragrant cinnamon rolls that I can tell just by the smell has sugary icy glaze on top, crispy, soft in the center (like I like them) french fries, ice cream in every kind of man made flavor (which I told y'all is my favorite) ; not to mention, the tempting advertisements running every 10 minutes of just about every fast food and family restaurant chain put out by their money hungry marketing departments. This past week, I would say I did very well trying to resist temptation compared to my behavior in the past with other diet regimes. There was hardly a cheat on a meal and if there was, it was an extra strawberry or two or an extra piece of Melba Toast which were usually following a workout. And then... There was friday night!! Cue the "DUN DUN DUN!" I think I made the mistake of going out to dinner too early with friends because my resistance wasn't as strong as I would have liked it to be. Although, sooner or later I was going to have to know how to say no. Some of my friends and I went to one of my favorite wing places in Montgomery called Baumhower's. I am in LOVE with their gooey fries topped with melted blanco cheese and real bacon with ranch dressing. No, I didn't get the gooey fries. I got the chargrilled chicken salad with balsamic vinegarette while my friends got wings and philly cheesesteaks and cheeseburgers and.. don't forget the fried pickles. I was proud of my choice. The problem is, I wasn't suppose to eat the whole thing and I did just to keep my mind off all the tempting things around me. Also, I must confess I had 2 drinks that night with friends, but I was able to make a smart choice of simply have vodka and water with fresh squeezed lemons and limes to avoid the sugar loaded bar mixes and the sodas with high fructose corn syrup. Just so you know, I am usually a margarita kind of girl. Oh yea... it's definitely loaded with a lot of sugar. Should I have splurged like I did Friday night? Probably not, BUT I believe with every negative should come a positive. That's why I can safely say I did, however, make smart, healthy choices when I gave myself a brief break as oppose to shopping spree splurging and getting crazy with what I put in my mouth. That showed on the scale when I didn't gain any weight from my weekend.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself, "Hey. Crazy, this is all a little obsessive!" simply dealing with food, but until you've walked in the shows of someone who has been overweight practically their entire life, you will have no idea how hard it is to say no to things you've always said yes to and how it makes you feel. I have to come to realization though that these are my surroundings. I'm an not guarded by a 15 person camera crew, 50 acre ranch, and my own personal 24 hour gym. No, I am surrounded by everyday life and that makes the success even sweeter. Now, I am recharged for a new week with new weight loss. My dedication is still there and nothing is holding me back. I heard an awesome saying the other day from my keeper of inspiration sayings, A VH1 reality show... but it's so true. "Sometimes, you have to do things you've never done before to get things you never had." That's what I plan to do and that story is for another blog.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 6: Stress: A dieter's worst enemy

For anyone who knows me, they know I've been challenged with some very big decisions and obstacles over the past few months. This endeavor to make this incredible sacrifice was a big decision. I have given up part of my social life of enjoying the nightlife with my friends, given up my favorite foods and my favorite drinks. With this decision comes other decisions attached to it. As I have stated, this is for my career and frankly, the rest of my life. Well, I am now facing many big decisions and obstacles concerning my career path and that is bringing on the big, ugly monster named "Stress." Many of us recognize it. It jumps on our backs with it's big 2 ton belly, hooks it's arm around our necks, pounds at our chests and whispers in our ears, "you can't handle this." It's about as wanted as Barack Obama is at a house party in Slapout, AL. Like Obama at a Slapout house party, it's a worst enemy for dieters. I have plateaued for the past two days and I blame stress. The trouble is, trying to figure out how to handle it while you are training your body to adapt to something new like cutting out entire food groups from your diet. Before, I would run through my favorite drive thru and medicate that way or find a nice, friendly thing of ice cream that might keep me company and listen to my problems because I feel it's too much a burden for my friends. The weights of life can always bring you down, but that weight shouldn't show on the scale. These past 2 days have shown me I have to figure out a different way to handle it. Suggestions?? Stress is a part of life and there's no way of getting around it, but I have to look at in it's ugly Quasi Modo eye and tell it that it will not get the best of me. I want to give in to it so badly. I have so much else going on that I've told myself, "I don't need this. I don't need the worry about what I'm going to eat on top of it all." But then, the stress would have won. Call me crazy for thinking of it this way, but I'm sure anyone can understand what I am feeling right now. Yesterday at the gym, I received my first, "You look like you've lost weight. You look good." Wow! How uplifting is that!!! If you don't think that is motivation to push through, then lay off the cough syrup. I am officially down 6 pounds after 5 days on the 500 calorie diet and I'm hoping I'll see a lower number tomorrow morning. Stress will not weigh me down and neither will the problems of this life. People are not always going to be nice to you and circumstances may not always work out as you plan, but it's all in YOUR attitude. How can YOU make the situation better to where what someone else or something else does not affect who you are and how you operate? Those are the answers I am looking for on my weight loss journey.

For all of you who are wondering, I will be taking my measurements on Saturday to see how many inches I've lost. So while I may not be losing on the scale in the past 2 days, I realize it may be in inches because I have been working out at the gym. Energy levels have been ok. I've been getting really hungry before dinner almost to the point where I can't function but I can feel my body adapting more and more everyday. I don't think this will ever get easy because like everyone with an addiction, it's a lifestyle change and never returning to those old habits again. Like I saw on "Ruby" the other day, food addicts don't get a holiday to pig out. We have to maintain being slow and steady to win the race. But you know what...

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Phil 4:19

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Day 2: Food on the brain, not in my stomach

I'm going to sit here and blog instead of thinking about and hanging out around the macaroni and cheese that is cooking in the kitchen. I'm not going to lie. I feel like I could eat the TV that is sitting in front of me, but I am down 3 pounds from Friday!! I started the 500 calorie diet yesterday incorporated with the HCG diet. Yesterday was fine. I felt good and cleansed without any cheating. Started the day with a cup of coffee. Lunch was crab meat on a bed of lettuce with malt vinegar for dressing with a piece of Melba Toast and strawberries for dessert. Not too bad. Dinner was rotisserie chicken with spinach and a garlic grissini breadstick. Microwaved warm cinnamon apples satisfied me as snacks and a dessert after dinner. However, today is another story. The hunger is starting to set in. I'm guessing this is how a crack addict feels when they are waning off their drug. For the longest time, food was my drug of choice. Addictions can come in different forms. Some are more fatal than others and some are less severe. The problem with a food addiction is you need food to survive. You don't need drugs or alcohol every day, but with food you do. That's the tricky part of this all. I think growing up in an unstable, tumultuous home, food was my only stability. Without fail, it was there when I wanted it and when I needed it when the ones I needed the most to be there as a child wasn't. I was always a rescuer to everyone else. Therapists have told me I have the "savior mentality" of always wanting to help others with their problems above addressing my own issues. It's now time that I save myself. I've been burying myself in food for too long, losing a little bit of my shine with each indulgent, but rescuing is never easy. Think about it this way. It's a lot easier to pull down a heavy stack of books than it is to lift that same stack and put it away. I know the journey won't be easy, but the destination will make it all worth it. I can't wait to get back into some of my old clothes and even those clothes hanging up with the price tags on them that I never got into but bought them thinking, "maybe one day." Well... that day is coming and I won't stop until I get there. I am still waiting to find out what my future holds as far as my career goes. Hopefully, the answers will come soon. Until then, I wait patiently taking one day at the time and doing what I need to do to get there. So, here goes the days without any fats, starches, or sugars. I could use the added prayers as appetite suppressants in these coming days and I wane myself off of my drug. I'm going through rehab and this is the detox stage. Brighter days are yet to come. I am hopeful! For now, I'll go have my lean sirloin with aspargus before heading to bed. Here's to more weight loss to come...

Friday, April 23, 2010

I think I'm going to be sick

Ok, so I've started the HCG diet and I'm now on day 2. Yes, it is a fad diet right now, but people I know and other people who know other people have done this diet and seen real results that last. One of my co-workers told me maybe I should consider a lifestyle change as opposed to fad diets. Well... if a fad diet is what it takes to get the job done, so be it. This is for my career. If you don't know what it is, you are restricted to 500 calories for up to 40 days exclusively including lean protein, fruits and vegetables. No dairy, carbs, sugars, or fats. You take the HCG hormone which women produce when they are pregnant. The hormone sucks abnormal fat from your body to energize 1500 to 4,000 calories of it a day to feed to a baby when a woman is experiencing morning sickness. It's the same concept but there is no baby and no throwing up. It just sucks fat. The first two days of the diet you are suppose to load up on fats to jump start the burning on day 3 and keep you satisfied throughout the diet. Results can be up to 20-30 lbs lost during the 30-40 days on the diet. It resets your metabolism which I have none and gets you in the habit of eating healthy, clean foods. So, I'm now on day 2 of gorging and I think I am going to be sick!! Yesterday, I loaded up on fries, flavored iced coffees with heavy cream, cinnamon rolls and deep fried chalupas. I've never eaten so much fried foods in my life in one day. I think the real theory behind this is to make you sick of these foods so you never eat them again. That thought isn't to far from my mind right now. Today, it's Krispy Kreme doughnuts and Burger King value meals. The odd thing is they say if you don't load up on enough food, it's a bad thing. You'll experiaence headaches and withdrawls about 5 days into the 500 calorie diet. Well, I'm experiencing moments of nausea and longings for a hug from a bathroom toliet. These foods are the reason I'm in this situation in the first place so I guess I should get it all out. Take out all my frustration against them and realize the agony they've caused me my entire life. Trust me. I'm feeling it now!!

Tomorrow starts the 500 calorie diet. Oh, and if you are wondering why I am doing this to myself, it's all for my future and career. I have been given some direction to get my weight under control-- a harsh reality I've stored in the back of my mind for.. well.. ever because CONTROL is hard. Let's face it. I work in an appearance based industry. My appearance is just as valued as my talent. So this is it. This is for my future and my happiness. I am doing whatever it takes. God uses whatever it takes to get our attention and in this case it's my career. He knows how much I value it and how OBSESSED I am with it right now so he's given me a swift kick in order to get healthy. I can't wait to see what this journey entails.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Start of my Journey

These first few words mark the beginning of the end of my relentless, exhausting weight loss journey. I think I've become my grandmother's grandchild, trying everything there is just to drop those 6 dress sizes. I've tried no carb, low fat, food journals, weight watchers, shots, diet pills.. you name it. I've probably tried it and as you can tell nothing has ever worked. I'm now sitting in my bed, legs crossed as I type here on my laptop sitting on my lap at the heaviest I've ever been, tipping the scale at 196 lbs. Nearly 200 lbs!! I can't believe it. It makes me sick, disgusted, and confused at how I got this far. How could I let myself go on an eating rampage, so far that I've become an embarrassment to myself. The thing is, I feel comfortable with who I am on the inside, but hate who I am on the outside. I try to brush it off with confidence and a smile like my mom always told me to do in any circumstance... just smile, Jenna! However, now the smile is getting smaller and smaller because of the fat that stuffs my cheeks. I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm now reading the book, Love Hunger, hoping to find out why I turn to food. No doubt, I've had a troubling past with broken homes and battered relationships with men, even my own father. Maybe food has become my only source of dependency, my only true friend that has never turned me away, never put me down, never had to be pleased by anything that I could do. Strange how we can subconsciously turn to something so inanimate and make it into something so personal. The buck stops here though. I'm tired. No, I'm more than tired. I'm exhausted with the pains bathing suit shopping gives me, trying to squeeze into jeans from a chain store, finding the biggest size in everything at target or express. I'm DONE! I can't take it anymore. I want to rip off this fat suit, staple my stomach and wire tight my jaw. I know this is going to take a while. It took a while to put it on, but I have to devote myself to my happiness. I have to devote my time and will power to fitting myself into anything I want without leaving a department store depressed or looking for a loose shirt that will cover my fat. My love life, my future depends on this and I have to give it a go.