Sunday, June 7, 2009

Start of my Journey

These first few words mark the beginning of the end of my relentless, exhausting weight loss journey. I think I've become my grandmother's grandchild, trying everything there is just to drop those 6 dress sizes. I've tried no carb, low fat, food journals, weight watchers, shots, diet pills.. you name it. I've probably tried it and as you can tell nothing has ever worked. I'm now sitting in my bed, legs crossed as I type here on my laptop sitting on my lap at the heaviest I've ever been, tipping the scale at 196 lbs. Nearly 200 lbs!! I can't believe it. It makes me sick, disgusted, and confused at how I got this far. How could I let myself go on an eating rampage, so far that I've become an embarrassment to myself. The thing is, I feel comfortable with who I am on the inside, but hate who I am on the outside. I try to brush it off with confidence and a smile like my mom always told me to do in any circumstance... just smile, Jenna! However, now the smile is getting smaller and smaller because of the fat that stuffs my cheeks. I don't know what else to do at this point. I'm now reading the book, Love Hunger, hoping to find out why I turn to food. No doubt, I've had a troubling past with broken homes and battered relationships with men, even my own father. Maybe food has become my only source of dependency, my only true friend that has never turned me away, never put me down, never had to be pleased by anything that I could do. Strange how we can subconsciously turn to something so inanimate and make it into something so personal. The buck stops here though. I'm tired. No, I'm more than tired. I'm exhausted with the pains bathing suit shopping gives me, trying to squeeze into jeans from a chain store, finding the biggest size in everything at target or express. I'm DONE! I can't take it anymore. I want to rip off this fat suit, staple my stomach and wire tight my jaw. I know this is going to take a while. It took a while to put it on, but I have to devote myself to my happiness. I have to devote my time and will power to fitting myself into anything I want without leaving a department store depressed or looking for a loose shirt that will cover my fat. My love life, my future depends on this and I have to give it a go.